A Beautiful Thing About Shifting Focus

I signed up for Emily Oster’s ParentData newsletter the day I launched this site (so, like, a week or two ago), and it has already paid off tenfold. The very first installment I got was titled “Wins, Woes and Beautiful Complexity,” and it struck me so deeply that I just had to share it here.

The author of this particular newsletter is the parent of a medically complex child, i.e. a child with disabilities that require medical supports (in this case, a feeding tube and equipment she wears in a backpack). I don’t know much about that specific experience, but as the parent of an autistic child, I do know what it can feel like to navigate the chasm between the expectations you had for your child before they were born and the reality of their lives — a reality that’s not worse, not tragic, not less than the idea you once had in your head, but is different nonetheless.

After all, different is good - it can just take some getting used to. (That’s kind of a recurring theme around here, isn’t it?)

Anyway, this parent is also navigating the expectations chasm, and her epiphany is so beautiful:

This weekend, for the first time, I watched her crawl across the room on her own while wearing the backpack, half her size, holding her pump and formula. Was this a sad reminder of how different she is from a typically developing baby, and how much harder she has to work for things that come easily to most of her peers? Or was it a chance for our family to celebrate a unique milestone, filled with pride for her strength and determination? Both are true. But I get to choose which one to focus on.

I feel this every single day. When your child’s trajectory doesn’t match those of your friends’ kids, their cousins, the other little ones on the playground, it can be difficult to shut out thoughts of comparison. The salve, for me, has been this reminder: My son isn’t competing with anybody. He’s growing up on his own schedule. And when he has a win, my job as his parent is to focus on him and his achievement — not to immediately look around for some other kid who got there first.

Truly, I want to post this whole essay here but that’s probably bad internet etiquette. Instead, click here to read the whole thing, and absolutely do check out Emily Oster’s other work. (Her book “Expecting Better,” with its fact-forward approach to common childbirth questions, truly kept me sane during my pregnancies.)

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